Cr*p and b*****ks

So it’s arrived. The black cloud. Yes I have lost my mojo and feel down in the dumps. Today is a bit better than yesterday, which wasn’t great. I understand why they call it a black dog. It crept up on me from behind and brought me down in its teeth. I just wanted to cry. Not particularly about having cancer although that was a factor. But just generally I felt sad and low. Yesterday I was focusing on what I don’t want to miss. I don’t want to die before I see my beautiful, intelligent, obstinate, grumpy, wonderful, independent daughter graduate and get married, and excel in her chosen field. I don’t want to die before I see my cute, handsome, cheeky, energetic, troublesome, awkward, fabulous son have his bar mitzvah, go to college and become a man. I don’t want to leave my amazing, caring, pig headed, loving, talented, stroppy, handsome husband on his own. I don’t want to die before I’ve been to Japan or Iceland, before I’ve flown in a helicopter, before I’ve made my professional reputation, before I’ve finished knitting the jumper for my son that I started a couple of months ago, before there is peace in the Middle East, before a thousand and one trivial and huge things have happened.Today I feel less bad but just like I need some space and some time to bring myself back up.  I need to remind myself that I am going to do and see those things. That I will hold my daughter’s hand as she tells me she is pregnant for the first time. That I will see my profoundly deaf son graduate from university having aced his studies, alongside his hearing friends. That I will watch my beautiful husband grow steadily more grey and handsome as we share our journey through life together. That one day I will look after my wonderful parents as they still look after me now. I need to focus on these things because they are what will get me through when I feel as physically weak as I felt mentally yesterday. I need to look at the sunshine and know that I will see it for years to come. I need to believe these things.  And as I wrench myself out of the black dog’s jaws I can start to believe. It’s me or Genghis. Nothing had beaten me before in life. My competitive streak will stand me in good stead. So today I will let myself reflect. And tomorrow I will believe.

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