Cath ‘n’ Brian

So on Monday I had to get over my holiday self quickly as it was time to get my portacath fitted. This is a small port that goes beneath the skin under your collarbone. It means that the chemo can go straight in and you don’t need a cannula. If you are relying on a cannula the chemo nurse has to find a different vein each time (cos chemo is reet mean to your veins) and it can hurt lots and lots.

I decided that my portacath would therefore be my friend. So I named her Cath. For short. A nice vascular surgeon put her in me, having ensured a big dollop of sedation first. The sedation was a bit grim but thankfully I didn’t vom when I woke up like I had done on the general anaesthetic. And there she was when I came round in recovery. Cath. Just there. Hello pal. We will have a bit of a journey together.

Also there when I came round was Brian. I don’t know much about Brian except his name, his approximate age (70 ish) and the fact he had just had a knee replacement. But I came round to the sound of his name being shouted opposite me in recovery by two nurses who were attempting to administer oxygen. In his post operative delirium Brian wasn’t having much of this. For a 70 year old man he was pretty strong. One of the nurses did a great Nurse Ratchet impression. She was properly discomforting, threatening he’d die if he didn’t allow the oxygen mask to be out on (!) and telling him in no uncertain terms that she always wins (double !!). If I were Brian I think I might have opted for a rapid right hook to the jaw. Poor man.

I was out of recovery fairly quickly and out of hospital not long after (pausing in between merely for a drink, a sarnie, a pee and an ECG, all pre requisites for discharge). And then home, so Cath and I could become properly acquainted.

So now I’m ready for the big C. That’s chemo, by the way. Already done the cancer. It’s time to poison myself as a life saving measure. It is completely screwy but totally sensible. It’ll be grim but great. It’ll make me feel rotten but ensure I feel full of life. So there are only 3 words for Cath and me at the moment: BRING IT ON.

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