Keeping it together

So my game plan is to keep it together. Keep going with life as normal, except when interrupted by chemo, or doctors, or any other Genghis s**t. But it’s hard. This morning, for example, I’m exhausted. I’ve woken up feeling almost as tired as when I went to bed. So the kids are playing up and I’m lying in bed trying to ignore them rather than dealing with them. Hardly keeping it together. My standards are definitely slipping.

Yet I’m called on to keep it together for the sake of others. My beautiful girl has been sad about the whole situation recently and her being sad makes me sad. But I need to keep it together for her. The girl who runs the nail bar round the corner (I was her first client when she opened) burst into tears on me in the street yesterday when I told her what has been going on, and told me her heart was breaking. I ended up comforting her. Keeping it (and her) together. A virtual stranger.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I want to fall to pieces. I just don’t want to have to be so conscious of the thing the whole time. I am fed up to the back teeth of talking about being ill or about things to do with being ill. I want to have a conversation that has nothing to do with it. That is why work is a blessed relief. It’s just ironic that work makes me so tired, and therefore makes it that bit harder to keep it together. Ha.

Amazing

Yes it’s amazing. I feel almost normal. No spinning rooms. No nausea. No floaty floaty. Really, it’s amazing. Hard to believe I had my chemo only yesterday. Was it the extra anti sickness drug? The extra jug of water? The baked potato for lunch? The mid-morning biscuit? The slower release of the second drug? The combination? The fact I’ve done it before? Who knows? Who cares? So far, so great.

I’m still a bit tired. But it’s NOTHING. This I can do. Amazing.

My hair (rather, stubble) is also holding on so far. I have a couple of very small thin patches and a patch that occasionally feels like it’s going to drop. But otherwise it’s growing! It won’t stay, of course. But it’s quite amusing that it has so far.

Final though for today. It feels like it’s almost time to go public with the blog. Almost.

Seconds away, round 2

I’m just home from my second round of chemo. It was fine. So far I feel woozy and heavy legged but not ill. But I’m waiting for the nausea to hit which is an odd thing. Sitting. Waiting to feel horrid.

It was all very cheerful at the chemo centre this morning. The lady in the room next door wanted to know where my scarf came from as she really liked it. We had a nice chat. Today was her last chemo – lucky lucky thing.

Scarf. Yes. My head is now shaved in anticipation of my hair falling out. So far the stubble is holding on. It makes me wonder if I’m not going to lose it after all and if I will have shaved it for no reason. Another odd thing – hoping my head stubble falls out. But then I remember that it is bound to drop out. My mum and husband both like the shaved look. Personally I’m happy in a scarf. But good to know that I don’t look too hideous without any hair! Here’s a photo:

IMG_0051.JPG

I think the scarves are quite a nice accessory and they keep me warm. It’s a good excuse to buy new clothing (as if I needed one!).