The worst news

Genghis is in my liver. There are multiple spots. Chemo is starting ASAP. The prognosis isn’t great but there are people who stay stable for a good while or whose mets shrink. It is even possible for the mets to disappear completely, though unlikely. My onc has said to plan for the worst but prepare for the best.

In the past 2 days Elliot and I have had conversations we didn’t dream of having until we were old. We have cried buckets and been very very sad. We have talked about how he and the children might cope if I’m not here, how he will move on in time, how the kids will remember me. We have talked about practical things like savings accounts and life assurance. We have tackled it all.

It has been the hardest 2 days of my life. I am buying birthday cards for the kids for each year until they are adults. I have got a box to fill with special memories and souvenirs. I’ve bought a notebook for each child and for Elliot to fill with loving thoughts. I’ve written a long list of all my precious items and who I want to have each of them. It is frankly horrific although the practical organisation is keeping my mind busy.

I have friends of most religions praying for me. A prayer has gone in to the Wailing Wall. Candles are burning. Challah is being taken. My Hebrew name is being changed.

And then there is the medicine. We need this to work. It may not work forever but it may hold the cancer at bay. I would like more than a few months. I’m not asking to live till I’m 80. 60 would seem pretty good right now. Even 50 – to see Joey’s bar mitzvah. All unlikely but I have to have hope. I have to be positive. I have to keep going long enough for the breakthrough in the treatment of triple negative breast cancer that is being promised. I will do my best. I will do anything. Money is no object. Pain doesn’t matter. I just want longer. Please. Please.

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