I’m feeling desperately out of sorts this morning – I can’t tell if it’s physical or emotional or both. I have a very anxious feeling in me, yet I feel exhausted at the same time. The logical side of me says that it is a combination of having overdone it yesterday with visitors mixed with cabin fever as I’ve not left the house for three days. The illogical side of me doesn’t care what it is – I just feel grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. There are all sorts of things going on in my head at the moment, but the biggest noise is the one that shouts I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS. I hate feeling so weary. I want my life back. I want to be me again. I want everything to go back to normal. I have a sort of pent up rage in me, but it’s a weary rage, one that I don’t have much energy to do anything with.
So being the sensible person that I am, I am resorting to deep breathing, resting and trying to get on with a bit of work to take my mind of the boredom and the million and one random things whirling about in my head. And I am here, on my blog, letting it out, writing it down, to see if that makes me feel any better. As I write, I gain a little focus. I examine my thoughts and can order them a little better. I can identify some of the things that are making me anxious – concern about a friend; anticipation of visitors later; a feeling that work is piling up; revisiting a conversation from a few days ago that gave me some angst – and so on. When I’m tired, all of these things get mixed up together, like they are in a blender, and all I can see is the whirling swirling morass of things that need my attention. I need to take a breath, to slow down, to deal with each issue on its own. I need to rest. As frustrating as it is to need so much rest, I know that I deal with things better when I am less tired. And I think I need to get out of the house!