Out of sorts

I’m feeling desperately out of sorts this morning – I can’t tell if it’s physical or emotional or both.  I have a very anxious feeling in me, yet I feel exhausted at the same time.  The logical side of me says that it is a combination of having overdone it yesterday with visitors mixed with cabin fever as I’ve not left the house for three days.  The illogical side of me doesn’t care what it is – I just feel grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  There are all sorts of things going on in my head at the moment, but the biggest noise is the one that shouts I HATE THIS I HATE THIS I HATE THIS. I hate feeling so weary. I want my life back.  I want to be me again.  I want everything to go back to normal.  I have a sort of pent up rage in me, but it’s a weary rage, one that I don’t have much energy to do anything with.

So being the sensible person that I am, I am resorting to deep breathing, resting and trying to get on with a bit of work to take my mind of the boredom and the million and one random things whirling about in my head. And I am here, on my blog, letting it out, writing it down, to see if that makes me feel any better.  As I write, I gain a little focus.  I examine my thoughts and can order them a little better.  I can identify some of the things that are making me anxious – concern about a friend; anticipation of visitors later; a feeling that work is piling up; revisiting a conversation from a few days ago that gave me some angst – and so on.  When I’m tired, all of these things get mixed up together, like they are in a blender, and all I can see is the whirling swirling morass of things that need my attention.  I need to take a breath, to slow down, to deal with each issue on its own. I need to rest. As frustrating as it is to need so much rest, I know that I deal with things better when I am less tired.  And I think I need to get out of the house!


One thought on “Out of sorts

  1. Hi Rosie, I can totally understand the cabin fever/restless/irritable feeling yet not having the energy to do anything about it!
    I am 2 weeks post mastectomy and ANC so have had lots of visitors which is lovely but at the same time draining. Last Sunday we planned to get out in the sunshine with the kids and the dog for a walk as I was feeling the same. However, our first visitor arrived at 10am and from then on I had a steady stream until 5.30pm! By that time I was so tired I couldn’t be arsed going anywhere. It makes me feel so ungrateful when I am lucky to have so much support but some days you just want to be left alone.
    I can only imagine the other feelings you have on a daily basis living with secondary cancer. I am a fellow member of YBCN and although I don’t know you, you are often in my thoughts. Keep going
    Caroline xxx


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