To life. Make it a good one.

Life. What’s it all about? Well I’ll be damned if I know. The idea that someone as good as Rosie, as well-loved as Rosie, as fantastic as Rosie could be plucked from this world at the mere age of 38 is just unfathomable. I’ve always taken the view that it’s up to you to make your life count and make of it what you will. You’re a long time dead so make your mark while you’re here. Well Rosie most certainly did that.

For a few nights in a row now Natalie has asked me to tell her stories about her mummy. I take it as a healthy sign that she’s wanting to ask and hear about mummy. For me this throws up a confusing mix of emotions. Of course I have some wonderful memories and I want nothing more than to share them with my darling daughter. But at the same time it is painful to relate these stories because I know that I’ll never again be able to create new memories with Rosie. And yet I am also delighted that Natalie can ask me to do this for her. My biggest fear is that through the loss of their mother Natalie and Joseph’s lives are going to be blighted in some way, that they won’t achieve their potential and that I’ll be responsible. By talking, I know that Natalie is helping herself to deal with this crappy situation and hopefully as the years roll by she’ll become the woman she was always destined to be.

It is absolutely true to say that Natalie, Joseph and I have a lifetime of memories to create together and I hope for their sake, if not for mine, that there are many years if not decades of those to come. But sitting here, writing this just three weeks since Rosie left us, I can’t begin to imagine how I’ll get through. I know I will. I must. I owe it to Joseph and Natalie and I most certainly owe it to Rosie. She’d be furious if I didn’t.

I’d be lying if I hadn’t contemplated life without Rosie. Since we received the awful news in June last year there have been times when I’ve done nothing but think about life without her. And then there were numerous nights in December and January when we held each other and cried. Words were pointless. We both knew where this was going to end. We knew that. And we planned for it. But all the plans can’t deal with the pain.

Today as I stood in our kitchen I noticed a few roses blooming. So I took a photo. It doesn’t make me feel any better but I know Rosie would have loved it. So here it is. For you Ro.

Elliot

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6 thoughts on “To life. Make it a good one.

  1. Elliot, I wish there was some way we could make this time easier for you and your family. Thank you for continuing with Rosie’s blog, it’s like a piece of her lives on.
    I hope that time helps you to remember Rosie without pain.
    Thinking of you
    (Daniele from YBCN)

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your honest outpouring and it breaks my heart to hear your pain but your children will be all they are meant to be without a doubt – makes me realise I so need to move forwards and let go of a broken marriage and accept the inevitable to sign papers and be strong for my children. Life can be so cruel but as you say you are dead a long time. Keep the memories alive …. Having been through chemo/rad it is no consolation, but how precious to go through it with someone, I was left on my own.

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  3. From a total stranger who’s read Rosie’s blog, sounds to me like you are managing unbeliebably well and Rosie would be immensely proud. There’s no right or wrong in how you move forward or what you should say to your children. Take each day as it comes. As Natalie grows and matures, Rosie’s friends and family can also share stories of her mum with her and fill in blanks of memories that are shared with other people. She will reach her potential as she’s got a loving father, brother and close extended family who will support you through the challenging years. Be strong and continue as you are. Never doubt how strong you are and how much wisdom Rosie has left you with.

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  4. Elliot

    From a complete stranger… From the bottom of my heart I pray God gives you and your children patience and strength. Also, he eases the pain.

    I have been following Rosies blog and each time I read it, my heart melted. So elegantly written and so poised… Wow!

    Carry on dude! You write well too…!

    From…

    A big Rosie fan

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  5. I didn’t know Rosie. I did read her blog and I followed the heartbreaking updates until the final sad news arrived.
    My heart goes out to you and the children, and I hope that keeping this blog alive provides you with the outlet you need to release some of the pain, whilst keeping Rosie’s memory alive. I lost one of my parents at a very young age too. But I, as opposed to Natalie, could never speak about it. In hindsight, as an adult, I wish I did, as it would have kept the memory alive. I cant begin to imagine how hard it is, but keeping the memory and the spirit of Rosie alive for your children will undoubtably help you all deal with the difficult days ahead. You’ve been in my thoughts since I first read Rosie’s blog. May her beautiful soul rest in peace.

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  6. Elliot, thank you for your candor and for sharing your grief with us in the public realm. I’m hoping that writing about your and your family’s loss will help you cope. Your children will turn out well because they have such a loving father. You will also keep Rosie’s memory alive for your children. Very poignant post.

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