It’s 20th January today, in case you didn’t know. On this date 13 years ago Rosie and I met for the first time. We’d exchanged a few emails in the week or so before we met but the 20th is when it all began. When I recall that meeting it’s like it happened yesterday. The intensity of the memory is searing. I remember what I wore (I couldn’t tell you what I wore yesterday) I remember what Rosie was wearing. I remember the conversation and the bar we drank in; I even remember what we drank. I remember everything in such clear detail. Perhaps I knew, at the time, that that evening was going to be pivotal in my life.
My memories are so important to me. Natalie seems to know that because she asks me every single night to tell her stories about mummy. In an odd way I think it’s a way to seal those memories in place so that I never forget them.
So today, whatever 20th January means to you, have a great day and remember to make some fantastic memories with your loved ones.
I started writing this blog before Christmas, but seemed to run out of steam. It’s now the new year, exactly seven months since Rosie died and I’ve now found a new impetus. In the weeks running up to Christmas a number of people have kindly shown concern for me and the children at “this time of the year”. It might sound churlish, but this time of the year really doesn’t mean a great deal to me. We’ve never celebrated Christmas in any way. The children don’t get or expect Christmas presents. We don’t have a “Christmas lunch” and on Christmas day there’s nothing we enjoy doing more than being out and about in a London devoid of people. Bliss.
However, it’s just hitting me that although we don’t do the usual Christmas things, it is still a time for family. And with family time Rosie’s absence is all the more painful. During a normal working day my mind is occupied to such an extent that I don’t really have time to think deeply about Rosie. Of course she’s in and out of my mind all of the time, but during these holidays my mind has been generally unoccupied and so she is filling the void. And that has reminded me of how much I miss her and how lonely I am without her.
Talking to and being with friends and family is lovely. It’s a lifeline. But it doesn’t make up for my best friend not being there by my side. To me loneliness is a word used to describe those bereaved in later life. I never imagined it would apply to me. But it does.
The sense of disbelief that Ro isn’t here is now fading, though I do have pangs of disbelief every single day. That emotion has been joined by a feeling of solitude, and with that a sense of loss and pain. And the pain is real; it’s physical; like a knot in my stomach. I’d hoped that as time passed it would become easier but I’m afraid that it’s getting harder. The day-to-day rhythm of life of course carries on, it must for the sake of the children, but Rosie’s emotional support is no longer there. The old adage is that time is a healer; and for so many things it is. But now we’re in 2016 and it was “last year” that Rosie died. I have no sense of relief from the passing time.
As odd as it sounds I wish I could forget my darling, beautiful Rosie. If I stopped remembering being with her, and being so happy with her then I wouldn’t have this pain. Of course, that’s just ridiculous because the last thing I want to do is to forget Rosie and all of the amazing memories we made together. I’m glad that I have her in my heart and my memories, I just wish she were still here with me and the children.
The easiest way to talk is to write here on MY blog, yes my blog .
It helps me a squillion times more than you would think because it reminds me of everything that happened from the moment that Joey started walking to now, 8th January.
[ Well not necessarily from the moment that Joey started walking , I mean like from the first ever memory I had and can remember.] This may be promising news but I try to forget the catastrophe and the horrible 2015 I hate you bad year [ sorry if it was a really good year !!. I can never EVER stop myself from saying things like that it just comes out of my computer [ hee , hee , hee] by accident .]
HARRY POTTER books always calms me down a LOT sometimes I actually want to be HERMIONE GRANGER but not Ron WEASLEY [ sorry Ron you are to loony] [ HEE , HEE , HEE.]