Moving on but never forgetting

I can barely believe that two years have already passed since Rosie died. Two years. How the hell did that happen? In that time so, so much has happened. Most importantly my two little children have grown two years older and many more years maturer. Natalie and Joseph continue to amaze me. A prouder daddy simply doesn’t exist.

Last weekend was another milestone in our collective journey. Together with Rosie’s parents we visited the cemetery and for the first time Joseph joined us. At first he was reluctant to visit saying that he didn’t want to cry (an incredibly mature piece of self-awareness). But eventually, given the option to pop in and out quickly he agreed to come. In the end he handled the visit with great maturity, asking searching questions and asking if he could come every week! What could have been a difficult and traumatic event ended up being cathartic and beautiful for him.

Secondary1st continues to go from strength to strength. Now officially a year old we have crashed through the £100,000 fundraising mark, something which we are all massively proud of. Earlier this year I decided to step away from day-to-day involvement with the charity. After such close proximity to breast cancer I was starting to find the exposure just too much to handle and so for the sake of my sanity I thought it would make sense to limit my involvement. With Rosie’s mum and dad still very much the driving force at Secondary1st I feel happy that the charity is in amazing hands. In fact just recently we took on a new volunteer who is going to be helping, so that is brilliant news, and stops me from feeling quite so guilty about not being as involved.

And to my life. The scar left behind when Rosie was ripped from my heart continues to heal. I have met a number of brilliant  and beautiful women, each of whom has had a lasting impact on me. None has become my next great love. But interestingly I am now a much calmer person than when I first re-entered the world of dating. My entire mindset is less frenetic. I know who I am and am so much more confident. And as my best friend puts it he “is no longer worried about me”! I know Rosie would be as proud of me as she would be of the children. In her absence she continues to exert a positive impact on me. I am a better, calmer more rounded person now.

Not a day goes by without me thinking of Rosie and none more so than today. Tonight, according to the Hebrew calendar is two years since Rosie died. Her presence was even stronger today. The reason is most unfortunate. Today I had an operation on my neck. Now it has been said before by those who know me best that I catastrophize! So of course tonight being the anniversary was a reason for me to think the worst. I had written a goodbye letter to my children and gave my best friend one simple instruction. As I lay in the anaesthetic room I began to cry. I was thinking about Ro, thinking about the lives that my children were going to lead without their mum and their dad. What a prat. Now 12 hours following the operation I’m glad to say that I’m still here, a little sore but I came through safe and well. So there’s that bullet dodged.

Joey came to visit this afternoon and held court with the nurses. He was adorable and made me feel hundreds of times better. Natalie felt that it was a little too early for her to see me. She will doubtless be remembering visiting Rosie in hospital two years ago. just before she died. But knowing my little girl, she’ll be processing her thoughts and will come in her own time.

So all in all, despite Rosie not being here physically she is very much in our lives on a daily basis. Her passing has enabled me to grow in ways I never thought possible. And as I’ve said before the love she gave continues to sustain and guide me.

If you would like to make a donation to Secondary1st please go to the website at www.secondary1st.org.uk or directly to the donation page.

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